she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
