I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You have to summon your inner elephant
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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