I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
