Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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