Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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