Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Well I just put wine in my tea
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
