Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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