i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
