I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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