Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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