I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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