dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
