hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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