Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
