I'm eating all of the evidence.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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