i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
