Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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