life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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