Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
