you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
