You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
