She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
