Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
