ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
