Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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