they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
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