You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
