my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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