I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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