I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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