There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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