Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
