i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Randomize
