He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
