Someone shit on the floor
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
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She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
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You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
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