you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
How's work?
Spinning.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
