He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
