Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
