So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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