Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Enjoy the penises
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
