I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
