Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
