I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
