At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
