I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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