I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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