The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
