also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
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How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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