You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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