I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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