So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
