we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
