Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
