I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
