She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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