I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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