Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
