Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
