I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
