Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
