i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
