Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
